I previously wrote about how people will readily click the ‘I agree to these terms and conditions’ on a website without giving it a second thought. That made me think about adding a ‘Terms and Conditions’ waiver that customers must sign before entering my store. After mulling it over for about a year, I’ve come to the conclusion that I left out a few important terms and conditions and now need to amend the document. This is a work-in-progress and might never be finished.
Before I get started, let me remind everyone what my top two terms and conditions were.
1. Play nice at all times. My store - my rules. Please respect this at all times.
1a. As the boss, I can fire you as a customer at any time I deem necessary.
2. When you decide to not play nice, see rule #1a.
I left off at Term and Condition #21 (March, 2015), so we’ll start today at #22.
22. Don’t tell me what size you need your ring. How about let’s let me make that decision. I mean, why the heck not? Here you are, standing right in front of me. I’m wearing an apron, an optivisor, and I’m holding my sizers, my mandrel and your ring. You drove all the way over here to see me. Why don’t we just let me do that voodoo that I do?
22a. When I find the correct size, an 8, you are not allowed to say, “Is that a 5 ½?”
Don’t do it. I know you want to. I know that the promise ring you received in 1967 was a size 5½, but you were 16 then. It is however, acceptable to ask me what size it is. I’ll even allow you to be shocked and dismayed at how much you’ve grown over the years. But DON’T, under any circumstances, violate rule 22, or 22a. Any violation will result in a trip over to that roped off area in the corner with the large handle. And, just for the record, the trap door is for you, the handle is for me.
23. Do not tell me to make it tight because you’re going to lose weight.
You’re not. You know it. I know it. All of your family knows it. And most importantly, all of your Facebook friends know it. And how do we all know it? Because about every 3 months, you post about your new diet, or your new cleanse, or your new workout routine. Those posts last about 4 or 5 days, and then they disappear, only to resurface again in 3 or 4 months. But, in all honesty, the main reason I know that you’re not really going to lose weight, and I’m not really going to ‘size it tight’ for you, is because it’s already tight, and, the fact that I’m sizing it up!
24. Don’t tell me to size it differently because it’s winter or summer.
Please place your left hand on this document and raise your right hand, and repeat after me: “I do solemnly swear that I… (state your name)… will heed your professional advice, without any intervention, verbal or physical, from me. I further agree, that if I violate rule #24, I will go over to the corner and pull the handle myself.”
In all of the time I’ve been doing this, I’ve never met anyone who has a finger that swells or contracts any more in the summer than it does in the spring, winter or fall. It’s just a finger. If it’s swelling and contracting with the seasons, please see term and condition #23. Seasons are about 3-4 months apart as well. I think you can see the pattern here.
24a. You are not allowed to say, at any time, “I’ve had a lot of salt lately.”
25. Do not say; “I need this by Thursday” if you have no plans whatsoever to pick it up on Thursday.
Please initial here agreeing to a $95 per day storage fee if you fail to show up on Thursday to pick up said item. And please go stand right over there in that corner while you’re signing this.
25a. You are not allowed to use the phrase, “I need this because I’m going out of town.”
I swear, I don’t know how there is ever anybody left in this city sometimes due to the number of people that use the above, now banned, phrase. What does you going to visit your sister in Idaho and me repairing your earring have in common? I mean seriously, it’s not a toddler that you have to take! It’s just an earring with a broken post, and you have other earrings.
26. Don’t tell the person out front that you need to see the jeweler.
Don’t do it. Stop. Uh uh. No. Don’t even think about it. That person you are speaking to is out front for a reason. They are there to absorb all of your energy; positive and negative, along with your aura, and your vibe. Those people are out there for one very, specific reason - they have people skills!
They like to talk to people like you. They like to listen to your stories about how this ring was given to your maternal grandmother by the man she was running around with who was married, and how she was labeled a harlot and run out of town on a rail. To be honest though, even I would like to hear that story. But you know what? The stories are never that good. Let’s face it, your stories are boring and those of us in the back don’t want to hear them.
Do you want to know the real reason that we were hired to work in the back? Because we lack people skills! We don’t interact well with the public. Jewelers and watchmakers don’t need or want any of that stuff. We’re strange creatures that like to sit in the back working on little shiny stuff all day that is literally falling apart in front of our very eyes. Yeah, trust me; you don’t want to talk to the jeweler.
Who do you think installed that device over there in the corner?